Elvish Paradise
by technetium
Summary: Young Aragorn raps about growing up in Rivendell and the problems of fangirls to the tune of Weird Al’s “Amish Paradise”.


Elvish Paradise by Technetium

Rating: PG

Summary: Young Aragorn raps about growing up in Rivendell and the problems of fangirls to the tune of Weird Al's "Amish Paradise".

Archive: Sure, just tell me.

Feedback: I'll take anything – constructive criticism, praise, flames, insults, death threats, etc.

Disclaimer: "Amish Paradise" is a great song by Weird Al Yankovic which is itself a parody of Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise."  The words I used are based on Weird Al's version.  The words can be found at www.azlyrics.com/ lyrics/ weirdalyankovic/ amishparadise.html if you take out the spaces (FFnet erases hyperlinks).  Aragorn, and everything Lord of the Rings, belongs to the late, great J.R.R. Tolkien.  I own nothing here.

Elvish Paradise

As I walk through this valley in a gentle rain

I take a look at myself and realize I'm very plain*

But that's just normal for a human like me

You know I live without any plastic surgery

At 4:30 in the morning I feed my horse

Elladan and Elrohir are there, of course . . . fool

And I've been learning from Elrond so long

That even Lindir wonders if my mind is gone**

I'm a man of the land, thank Elvish discipline

I've got a sword in my hand and stubble on my chin

But if I finish all of my chores and the weather turns sunny

Then tonight we'll have a feast like it was fourteen hundred twenty***

I've been spending most my life living in an Elvish paradise

Annoyed Erestor once or twice living in an Elvish paradise

It's hard work and sacrifice living in an Elvish paradise

But it's really a small price to live in an Elvish paradise

Glorfindel gave me a long lecture last week

I just smiled at him, and didn't give him any cheek

I really don't mind because he teaches well

With a Balrog-slayer, I'm not about to yell

But I ain't never been abused, even if I deserved it

An Elf with that 'tude?  You know that's unheard of.*

I never use shampoo, but I got a cool cloak

And my Elf friends agree it's really odd that I smoke . . . fool

If you come to visit you'll be bored to tears

We have no Internet connection and you'll have no peers

But we ain't really quaint, so please don't drool and stare

We're just technologically impaired

There's no phone, no AIM**, no flush toilets

Not a single modern luxury

But we have the things that matter: fun, friends, and family

I've been spending most my life living in an Elvish paradise

We're just plain and simple guys living in an Elvish paradise

On Arwen I set my sights living in an Elvish paradise

We don't roll d20 dice*** living in an Elvish paradise

Joining expeditions, hunting with my brothers

I slew an orc on Monday.  Soon I'll slay some others.

Think you're really righteous?  Think you're pure in heart?

Well, in the War of the Rings how would you like my part?

I'm the rugged guy you little fangirls want to be with

On my arm, day and night, I tell you that is just not right

So don't be vain, and don't be whiny

Or else, my luster, I might have to get First Age on your heinie

I've been spending most my life living in an Elvish paradise

Lovely stars and peaceful nights living in an Elvish paradise

There are no nasty Barrow-Wights living in an Elvish paradise

But you'd probably think it bites living in an Elvish paradise

A/N: What did you think?  See below for explanations of certain items.

* I'm sure Aragorn is handsome and kingly and all that, but surrounded by pointy-eared ethereal beauties, anyone is going to seem plain.

** People might think that a human who spends all his time with Elves is a little strange anyway, and Lindir doesn't seem like the studying type.

*** Shire Reckoning.  1420 was the Year of Plenty.

* I'm not saying that Aragorn or anyone else deserves abuse.  This verse is directed mainly at all the Legolas-abuse fics out there, and how no Elf would abuse a child, no matter what.  Elrond didn't even slap Aragorn around when he told him he wanted to marry Arwen.

** AOL Instant Messenger

***A 20-sided dice used by Dungeons & Dragons players


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